Diary Posts From A Long, Long Time Ago

I was inspired a few months ago by Megan’s blog posts that included diary entries from 1999 and when The Phantom Menace premiered. It reminded me of when my own obsession began with Star Wars – also in 1999 and due to TPM.

I was 12 years old and though I had seen Star Wars previously, it had never spoken to me in quite the way it did with TPM. I’ve been through this before, so I won’t bore anyone with even more details.

When reading Megan’s posts, I couldn’t go back and dig out my diary because they were packed away for the move. I kind of forgot about doing a post on my past diary entries.

Then I was chatting with Imperial Talker two days ago and mentioned I had once written a Star Wars Anthem to the tune of our (US) national anthem. He encouraged me to dig it out and find it.

Since my diaries have been unpacked, I have finally received the motivation needed to sift through all the entries (I used to write A LOT when I was young!) and find some interesting Star Wars related ones to share.

I discovered that:

  1. I was seriously in love with Luke Skywalker,
  2. I loved to record dreams – and apparently I had a lot related to Star Wars,
  3. I could not spell Darth Vader correctly (I wrote it Vadar…novice mistake!),
  4. I did, indeed, make a song to our national anthem but it’s nowhere near as good as I remember it being in my head.

 

I know I was in love with Luke Skywalker but I don’t think I remember it the way I felt it in 1999. I always say that Luke Skywalker was one of

Yup, sums me up at age 12.

my “first crushes” but I’m trying to figure out what attracted me to him at a young age. I honestly don’t think it was inappropriate, but more like – I thought he was handsome, he could use magic (the Force), and he was down-to-the-soul good. He resisted evil and did what he thought was right. At that point in my life, I needed that a lot more than the bad boy Solo, whom I would end up understanding the appeal of when I got older. I didn’t include any photos of those diary entries because a) they’re weird, and b) they mostly consist of me saying “I love Luke Skywalker!!!!!!!!”

As for the dreams – funnily, I was talking about this with my sister the other day. So many people can’t remember their dreams. But I had gone on an interpretive dream kick when I was younger (now I know exactly how young! 12 and in 1999!) and made an effort to record all my dreams and try to decipher the meanings of them. Due to this obsessive habit that I had for months, I still remember almost all my dreams to this day. I could tell you exactly what I dreamed last night. It’s such a weird experiment I did that shows that when you do something persistently when you’re younger – it stays with you as you get older.

 

So without much further ado, here are a few good ones from 1999.

 

Dream Diary Entry #1 (I cut this one off in the middle because it had irrelevant stuff about school friends):

July 10, 1999

 

What I loved about reading this specific entry was that it brought back the feeling of the podracer to me. I don’t remember any other part of the dream – but I remember the feeling of driving in a podracer at age 30. And I remember waking up and wanting to dream it all over again. It was so real. Even 21 years later, I remember that podracing dream.

Oh and I love how I had to take a little dig at Jake Lloyd. Like “not even Jake Lloyd felt how I felt”…haha.

 

Dream Diary Entry #2:

September 6, 1999

 

Apparently I had to explain my actions on why Luke was holding my hand (we were married). Haha, I must have thought that was inappropriate to do otherwise!

In case anyone was wondering, Coober Pedy is an opal mining town in Australia. I had visited it the summer before (1998) and had fallen in love with the underground houses they had in the area. I thought it was so cool…and apparently my subconscious was still obsessed with it a year later.

 

Dream Diary Entry #3:

September 7, 1999

 

Not as interesting, but hey, Leia made an appearance! Sounds like she got shafted quite often.

 

Diary Entry #4, The Important Things in Life:

September 11, 1999

 

Is it all true? I still wonder. Did this all happen? Is Star Wars real? BURNING QUESTIONS I STILL ASK MYSELF TODAY.

But otherwise, this is clearly a momentous event. It sounds like I had been looking for his address for a while. For all the new people following my blog, I did end up writing to George Lucas and questioned some direction of his on TPM and hoping he would resolve the flow between the OT and the PT because thus far, there was not a lot of similarity. (Also, I used to name my diaries. This one was named Ariana Skywalker and I liked to write to the diary like it was a friend)

I never received a response from him, BUT his staff wrote back with a copy of Star Wars Insider and I’ve subscribed to the magazine for almost 20 years (other than the brief break in college when I had no money).

 

Diary Entry #5, the Star Wars Anthem:

September 8, 1999

I’ve held this song in my head as, like, the pinnacle of greatness. It’s kind of disappointing to look back and see, oh wait, it’s really not that good. Ah well. Looks like I had a lot of notes attached to one syllable. Guess I’ll never be a songwriter any time soon.

There you have it – a glimpse into my life when I became obsessed with Star Wars. I love that I was blogging about Star Wars before I knew what blogging was. What’s somewhat amusing about all this is that I thought I would have more entries related to TPM. But it seems like most focus is on the OT, with the exception of the podracer dream.

 

Are there any distinct childhood memories about Star Wars that you remember?

 

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That Special Something

You know when you grow up, sometimes you have that “special something” that you hold so dear to you because it reminds you of a time or place or moment?

For instance, I have a Pink Blankie that I’ve had since I was a baby and YES I still sleep with her.  I am, at times, thoroughly embarrassed by this, but at the same time weirdly proud.  She no longer travels with me, but I will occasionally (ok, maybe every night) still sleep with her.  There’s something about wrapping my arms around her that is so comforting.  My husband vacillates between being amused and annoyed, but I can’t help it.  I’ve tried many times to give her up with statements such as, “I’ll stop sleeping with her when I go to college.”  Nope, didn’t work.  “I’ll stop sleeping with her when I get married.”  Almost worked, but ultimately failed.  The only reason why she 2013-04-10 22.12.40doesn’t travel with me is because once I decided to put her in my luggage and my luggage got lost for a while.  Oh man, I was freaking out.  After that, I realized I would have to start putting her in my carry-on.  Well, that worked out okay, except that it made my carry-on really bulky and it couldn’t fit under the seat in front of me.  And then the blanket would sometimes get stuck in the zipper of the backpack and would destroy some of it, which is unforgivable.  So I figured for her safety, it’s best that she stay home.  The worst part is that I don’t miss her that much when I’m traveling and she’s not with me.  I thought the first time that I would fall apart, but I didn’t.  I adapt just fine, so I’m unsure why I can’t just put her away in a box at home.  Right now, my new statement is “I’ll stop sleeping with her when I have a baby.”  I’m hoping this reasoning will work more because then I can transfer something that I once had onto my child and then it will be a generational thing.  I then reason that the child will hopefully not grow up like me and she will grow out of sleeping with Pink Blankie, at which point I will be able to put her away in a box because I’ll probably be too embarrassed to show my child that I’m sleeping with HER Pink Blankie and I will have had enough separation by that point to be okay with it.

Apologies – long confession there.  I must have some deep rooted psychological issues regarding attachment.  Or I just like Pink Blankie.

However, the whole reason for these thoughts was that I was trying to think of my first Special Something that had to do with Star Wars.  Believe it or not – I actually think it was these two puzzles (ESB and ROTJ) by RoseArt that I found at Ocean State Job Lot.  For those not from New England, Ocean State Job Lot is an interesting store.  You find lots of weird mismatched items at discounted items and it’s always a surprise when you walk in there.

RoseArt ESB puzzle                                RoseArt ROTJ puzzle

I found those two puzzles and became obsessed.  I put on the Star Wars soundtracks and worked hard on completing them as fast as possible (those were the days when summer vacation meant nothing to do every day for three months).  I still remember my record – it took me 7 hours and 42 minutes to complete my Return of the Jedi puzzle…18 minutes shy of a full office work day!  It ended up turning into a tradition and I took apart these puzzles at the end of the summer and would take them out again the following summer.  Sometimes I would try to do them all in one day, sometimes I would stretch it out.

Usually we associate Special Something’s as an object of the past the holds a special memory attached to it.  The puzzles help me relive the days when I was falling in love with Star Wars during my adolescence and the long summer days that seemed to stretch infinitely before me.

However, I’m beginning to realize that Special Something’s don’t always have to do with the past.  They can be recent as well.  I have two new Star Wars Special Something’s that make me so excited: my Star Wars pajama pants and my Star Wars t-shirt.

The pajama pants were bought on a whim at Wal-Mart about 1.5 years ago in the boys section and they are my FAVORITE pants.  I love them so much.  They are so comfortable and whenever I put them on, I get such an extreme feeling of comfort that I want to cuddle up in bed.  There are tons of different panels on the pants of different characters and scenes that I could stare at it for hours.  Bravo Wal-Mart on such awesome PJ pants!

Yes, those are Chewbacca slippers that I'm wearing

Yes, those are Chewbacca slippers that I’m wearing

The second Special Something is a bright red t-shirt that has Princess Leia pointing a gun at the viewer and it says “Don’t mess with the princess” in large letters.  My husband got it for me last year as a wedding anniversary gift.  He was really unsure if he should get it for me because he says he feels like Star Wars gifts are a “cop out” because they’re too easy…but honestly he can’t be more wrong.  This t-shirt now always reminds me of him and, like the PJ’s, is very comfortable.

2013-04-10 18.18.16

So I just rambled through my Special Somethings – does anyone else have any that are near and dear to your heart?  Star Wars or otherwise?

Or you can even confess (like I did above) about something that you still haven’t gotten rid of but probably should have a long time ago?  I promise we won’t judge!

I Miss My Childhood

People can be foolish when they say that Star Wars is for kids or is “kids movie”.  They are only looking at the surface of it and failing to realize that despite how the movie has child elements, it really is about human morals and dilemmas, black vs. white, and the murky grey in between.

So it really bothers me when people say that I am “childish” because I love Star Wars.  I completely disagree and it really angers me.  Star Wars does help me connect with my inner child, but not in a bad way, nor in a way that needs to be mocked.

Sometimes I don’t want to be an adult.  There are times when all I want to do is go home to my parent’s house and the times where dinner was made for me, I didn’t have to do dishes, didn’t have to worry about bills and didn’t have to worry about another person.  I have an attachment towards my childhood and at times, I want to block out my current life and pressures.

As I realized this, I sometimes wonder if Anakin also didn’t want to grow up.  Though he was a slave, he seems to have had a pretty good life on Tatooine.  I am not discounting the fact that he was a slave and that it presented many hardships, merely noting that he had a very loving mother, a great imagination, and intelligence that allowed him to Anakin episode I childhoodbuild things in his spare time.  But with this childhood, it also caused an extreme attachment and I believe, in the future, nostalgia for it.  When he was ripped (yes, the Jedi basically ripped him from his life, though we are supposed to look at it as a “choice”) from his childhood, he automatically starts associating his childhood with warm, fuzzy, happy feelings.  When Shmi is almost/ essentially murdered by the Sand People, it’s a murder of everything he connected with that childhood.  Shmi encapsulated his happy childhood and with her dead, instead of his attachment dying, he grew to hate everything that took her and his nostalgia away from him.  I believe that, in a sense, he began to hate the Jedi at this moment.  They took him away from Shmi, essentially, his childhood and with her murder, he will never get that happiness back.

On the other hand, we have Padmé, who was given responsibility and duties at a very young age.  She did have a happy childhood, but it was constantly interwoven with “life” pressures.  I mean, she was in the “Legislative Youth Program”,Padme childhood at parents house for Pete’s sake.  I think Padmé wanted some of that nostalgic youth feeling.  Everyone has something inside of them that cries out for that innocence of childhood, that life before you became disillusioned.  When Padmé and Anakin grew to know each other better and fell in love, that first love feeling represented that innocence, a shadow of the feeling that comes with an ideal childhood.  Unfortunately, Padmé gripped onto that innocence too tightly and to a feeling that can never exist.  First love romance will never last, you can only hope that it gradually fades into something more true to life; similar to when a child’s innocence is lost, you hope it happens gradually and not with something brutal.  Padmé was given too much responsibility too soon and sought for an escape through Anakin…and we all know how that ended.

Finally, I think we find a good balance in Luke.  Luke had a good childhood, but it was slightly tainted with the fact that A new hope deleted scene luke skywalker childhoodthe people raising him were not his real parents.  He did get to fly T-16’s in Beggar’s Canyon and shoot womp rats.  We know that he had good friends, Biggs Darklighter and Camie Loneozner, and enjoyed working on droids and moisture vaporators at the homestead.  Though he and his Uncle clashed over Luke’s desire to see the world, the discipline was what the child needed.  By the time of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru’s brutal murder, Luke was not a child anymore and could handle the emotions better.  As Luke continues through his life, we see a more balanced human being.  He still has that childlike innocence, but it’s grounded in reality.  His innocence comes out in the way he believes in the Rebellion and how he believes that his father, Anakin, can be saved from the dark side.  And guess what?  He was right on both accounts.

I’m not sure where I was going with this speculation, mainly just exploring the ideas of childhoods and how they played out in Star Wars.  Luke is my favorite main character in the Original Trilogy and it reassures me that he turned out okay.  Also, perhaps this thought process helped prove to myself that, no, I am not childish for loving Star Wars.