Who doesn’t love a good conspiracy theory? I do. With my site (www.rebelibrarian.com) focused on canon, I don’t often get to indulge myself with theorizing, so this chance to write about some delicious conspiracies is super exciting. Here are three conspiracy theories drawn from and proven by events from the films only. Please enjoy!
- Jocasta Nu erased Kamino from the Archive for Count Dooku.
This discarded subplot drives me insane — it’s the most interesting thing in Episode II, but it’s never mentioned again. Obi-Wan asks who could have deleted Kamino from the archives: he considers it so impossible, it didn’t even occur to him that it could have been done on purpose. Yoda calls the puzzle “dangerous and disturbing,” but never does anything about it. But the answer is obvious.
In a deleted scene, Jocasta Nu finds Obi-Wan ruminating on a bust of Count Dooku. After calling the bust “handsome,” she instantly dismisses the Kamino question — without even bothering to look at Obi-Wan’s information. Her declaration of Kamino’s non-existence is far too fast, and then she’s gone, baby, gone — either she’s a very bad librarian (not how we conduct reference interviews!) or she’s responsible. I think she was in love with “handsome” Dooku, and when he used Sifo-Dyas’ name to place the order for the clone army, he manipulated her into erasing all records of Kamino. There was no chance of him returning her feelings because — bombshell — he is homosexual. Evidence: Dooku’s close relationship with Jango Fett, Jango’s oddly choosing to raise his own clone as his son, and Dooku’s stricken reaction to Jango’s death. Mace Windu’s “take that” glare on killing Jango (and some of the Dooku-Windu dialogue) make me think that they were an item once. So at least a triangle between Dooku, Jango, and Jocasta, and maybe another, as Jango does run after Mace Windu in a very aggressive, challenging way.
- Luke Skywalker is Obi-Wan’s son, not Anakin’s.
I dislike Padmé: I find her devoid of personality and a whore. What! I assume that I’ve shocked you, but keep reading. I think subtext, various looks and dialogue exchanged between her and others, hints at a list of boyfriends including not only Captain Typho but also, I’m sorry, Palpatine (“the thought of losing you is unbearable”) and Yoda (“seeing you alive brings warm feelings to my heart”). But at the very least, she had Obi-Wan on the side while married to Anakin. Padmé and I were both 14 when we first saw Obi-Wan; from that experience, I can tell you it was crush at first sight. By Episode II, they’ve probably met a couple of times (Palpatine says “an old friend, like Master Kenobi,” and nobody’s an “old friend” after one brief meeting a decade ago). Obi-Wan occasionally betrays a warmth and affection toward her (“She was pleased to see us,” “You’re using her as bait?!”), which could become something more. Even Anakin senses something between them and gets angry whenever Obi-Wan and Padmé cross paths — like when he flares up that Obi-Wan was in her apartment. Also, Anakin’s snarl when Padmé hopefully jumps to “Do you think Obi-Wan might be able to help us?” The most obvious tell is in Episode III: Obi-Wan is utterly crushed when he says, “Anakin is the father, isn’t he.” It’s not Padmé’s baby daddy turning into a Sith lord that hurt him, it’s because the baby should be his. And one of them is . . . I think Leia is Anakin’s, because fraternal twins can have different fathers.
They even look a bit alike!
- Qui-Gon faked his own death in order to marry Shmi.
My favorite! I definitely ship Shmi-Gon! Qui-Gon is only on Tatooine for a short time, but it’s enough to fall in love with this intelligent, kind woman. And what woman doesn’t love Liam Neeson? Unwilling to leave her but bound by duty, he does what he can and takes Anakin to the Jedi. Before leaving, he affectionately touches her shoulder; while the camera’s following Anakin, does Qui-Gon perhaps tell Shmi he’ll come back for her? Qui-Gon didn’t foresee the Council refusing to take Anakin (which they do possibly only to bait him), so he and Obi-Wan cook up a plan for him to conveniently die during the Theed invasion. Then the Council will have to let Obi-Wan train Anakin. The boy is too powerful to go rogue, and anyway Qui-Gon is done with Mace Windu and Yoda hijacking his life. While they probably suspected Maul to be waiting, I doubt there was any expectation that he’d actually get wounded. But it’s no big deal: abdominal injuries are deadly when it’s difficult to stop the bleeding, and they carry high risk of infection. But with a lightsaber cauterizing instantly, those are non-issues. Maul’s saber misses any major organs and the spine, so bacta was probably all he needed.
After, Qui-Gon falls in with the Lars and offers to buy them a moisture farm. All they need to do is buy and free Shmi. There’s no way Cliegg was ever married to her; everything he says in Episode II is a clumsy whitewash to get Anakin to leave: “I’d still be out there looking for her — I don’t want to give up hope — SHE’S DEAD.” They couldn’t risk contact with Anakin, lest the Council find out Qui-Gon was alive, so some of his Sand People friends helped make Anakin think she was dead. They never anticipated that Anakin would kill them all; that’s why we hear Qui-Gon shouting, “Anakin! No!” The fact that Qui-Gon isn’t dead helps explains Obi-Wan’s casual acceptance of indefinite Tatooine exile. Obviously, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon spend the next twenty years cracking cold ones and grilling up bantha steaks while Shmi shoos the grandkids away from the desserts. Well, those are my theories! I hope you had fun. Come up with your own! It’s addictive. Try to stop by my blog tomorrow because it’s Challenge Thursday, when I answer an arbitrary question about Star Wars, and also if you have a question of your own, ask away! I’ll feature it in a post.